Father Christmas the Superhero!

As most of us know the Christmas song,’Santa Claus is coming to town’ and part of the lyrics is –

He sees you when you’re sleeping.

He knows when you’re awake.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good.

So be good for goodness sake.

FOR GODNESS SAKE! haha. The point I am trying to get across is that Father Christmas would make the perfect Superhero! According to these ‘well known facts’, firstly –

1# He can see you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.

It’s the perfect ‘power’. If he always knows when people are asleep, he could quite easily ‘capture’ or ‘kill’ you without any effort at all! Everyone has to sleep some time, even Superman sleeps, so you’re present could be some ‘kryptonite’ to his face and POW! he’s all sorts of dead.

Father Christmas 1 – Superman 0

2# He can somehow get into your house through a chimney that is 6 inches in diameter or no chimney at all!

We all wonder how he magically gets down them chimneys with all that fat and presents he’s carrying. Even now days, some houses don’t have chimneys and he has a skeleton key that opens all doors. So from that information he can get into ANYWHERE. Lets say you have some secret base, for example, ‘Xavier Institute for Higher Learning (X-Mansion)’ and below the building they have the sub-basements which house the ‘Danger Room’  and laboratories. This apparently being very secure, even though Mystique managed to get in. But Father Christmas would have no trouble at all. He would just know when everyone was asleep and walk in opening the doors with his key. Easy stuff!

Father Christmas 1 – X-men 0

3# He can travel faster than the speed of light.

Damn them reindeer can run fast! Better get my hands on one so I’m not late for work again… I have no idea what Father Christmas is feeding them but they seem to be able to get to every house in the world in one night. According to this info graph  he has to visit 1956 houses in one second. So he has to be travelling at 44738 miles an hour and his sleigh has to be going at 2x the speed of light. The superhero ‘Flash’ moves at the speed of light. So I’m pretty sure being twice as fast as him in his sleigh he could just as easy run him over dead.

Father Christmas 1 – Flash 0

4# He can fit all the presents in his bag for every child in the world!

His bag isn’t even that big, and yet he can fit all them presents in the bag? So this would mean two things. He is super strong and can carry over a million tons and has a super gadget that is pretty much a bottomless pit. Mary Poppins has a bag that unbelievable objects came out of, like a ladder, umbrella, children, drugs and some sugar. But nothing compared to Father Christmas’s ‘Swagger’ bag of over 1 million tons. Take that Mary Poppins and your spoon full of Rohypnol!

Father Christmas 1 – Mary Poppins 0

5# He eats at least one pie and drinks 250 ml of milk at every house.

There are over 200 million households in the world so that would work out as 50 million litres of milk and at least 200 million pies. That is one fantastic metabolism! Not only that but his stomach can hold all of this in the 24 hours it takes him to deliver the  presents and not visit the ‘little boys room’. Can’t think of a superhero that can do that, but if you can remember the Kingpin from the Spiderman comics and TV shows (also in the Daredevil movie) he’s a big guy! But I read that it’s actually mostly muscle. But still Father Christmas could eat more burgers in 5 minutes than the Kingpin could.  Then eat the Kingpin and still feel hungry.

Father Christmas 1 – Superhero’s 0

6# He can see into the past and into your brain.

He knows if you’ve been good or bad. He can tell what you have been up to, whether it be good or bad. So this would be some sort of mind reading power. This guy is unstoppable! Professor X, ever wondered why you never got any presents? It’s because Father Christmas  knows you’ve been bad! He knows that you have been using your physic powers to seduce Wolverine, “oh Wolverine, you’re so hairy and big”. So no presents for you! Dirty old man!

Father Christmas 1 – Professor X 0

Conclusion

Why the hell hasn’t Marvel or DC made a Father Christmas superhero? It would make perfect sense! But according to my theory he would be unstoppable! Therefore THE GREATEST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME!

Father Christmas 6 – Superhero’s 0

Don’t forget…’He knows when you’re asleep!’

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Posted on July 18, 2011, in Random and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Fu*king excellent.

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